26. It was only 5 minutes in to the long drive. I knew I didn't want to go back (read to find out why....)

Time can act in such a mysterious way.

Looking down from my high ground on the couch to everyone on the rug, I could tell deeply in my bone that this rug would not be my place of sleep tonight. This rug, with little pictures of horses and weeds and camels scattered around its massive surface area, big enough for my whole chosen family. I was seeing for the first time, this rug, for what it really was: it was a rug.

I was on my third peach triple hop west coast hazy schwazy IPA and I was completely drunk. Frankly this is not your problem and I'm fine. But I was totally drunk. My jaw kept clenching like I had blood tennis.  I said it already: chosen FAMILY. And you NEVER disrespect chosen family, especially the chosen type, because they RIDE - R - DIE for you, and your OTHER family just fricken raises you and MAKES you go to college.

I was clenching my jaw so much, so much that it hurt, out of love and respect for them is really what it was.

Tiny came out of her room super suddenly, not even going to check on the mess that Dave left in the kitchen. She must have heard that! But she wasn't reacting to her screaming dog either so, I guess it makes sense that she be living that noise canceling life, with and without the Bose headphones.

She said, "I'm suuuuper sleepy tonight, I'm gonna kick it in my bed. I'll miss you all, sorry to bail on the rug!"

Shortcake did crying motions with her hands on her eyes and went "awwwww! We'we miss you!!!" in a baby voice. Tiny did a small sarcastic but not mean smile and went back and practically slammed her door. Awkward!

Mort was obviously live streaming but talking really softly into his the mic on his corded headphones across the room. His phone was in his propped out arms, in that body cast that hugged his whole upper chest. He asked Jilly to lift his shirt up and I heard him say again into his phone to his live stream watchers: "yeah like the doctors said i was in like the most pain out of anyone they every treated in their lives.. so like it would be a REALLY good time to donate to the stream if you know what I mean thanks I love you all so much," and he did a kissy face. Wow I totally respect what he is going through, but I don't want to watch that right now.

No one had turned down the TV since my new road trip friends left and it was still so loud. I might as well call everyone on the ground Rick and Morties right now. I'm just going to call them that so I don't have to suffer typing out their stinking names right now. All the Rick and Morties on the ground were still laughing at 1000 decibels the levels that no Bose noise cancelling over the ear headphones could EVER block out. It was just me and my clenched jaw all alone in this room as far as I could tell, so I wandered out unnoticed, and went to one of Tiny's zillion spare bedrooms to sleep. And yeah, I did grab another IPA on the way into the bedroom and basically finished it before the door was shut.

It was 1 AM. I just kept thinking to myself, like a silly joke: it's 1 AD! It's 1 year after Christ! It's one AD! Ha ha, so funny for me. Then I thought, what if instead of Matthew McCaughneHE it was Matthew McCaughneSHE? That would they look like? Sometimes in the last few months my friends have like BEGGED me to do stand up, but I can never tell if they are just being sarcastic. Now I'm just thinking about that.

I was tired but awake. it was dark outside and the yellow lamp light reminded me of a candle. How was a house this big but I could still here that group, my great group of friends, in the living room shrieking with laughter? Usually drinking a bunch of IPAs is like a healthy way for me to get to sleep faster, because the hops is a muscle relaxer according to new studies that show things like weed and alcohol is actually super healthy. And also shrooms and other drugs, and meth and heroine, like I know a bunch of people who got like soo stressed out in their life that doing all these drugs is like healthy for them, because of how stressed they are. And if you know people like that you really need to love thy neighbor and butt out and just let them do it. 

Look: there is a guy who lives in the 7 11 parking lot like 3 doors down from my old apartment, and he got a bed set up there next to a busy road, with a childrens stroller and a big pile of stuff that is HIS property, and I walk by him peeing into the corner and smoking meth out of tinfoil and using needles, and  doing whatever he needs to do because that is HIS space, and I think, yeah, he does need meth, and if I had a million dollars, I'd probably spend like half of it buying people the street drugs they need because the cops isn't buying it for them!

My BEST FRIENDS in the world, the Rick and Morties outside, and I'm talking Jilly, Pine, Sun, Shortcake, and even Mort right now, with his stupid fake surgery, they were the exception. When they do all these crazy drugs and hang out with homeless crazy guys and bring them into the one place I thought I could have 5 minutes alone, or at least a shift making lattes, they hurt the people around them and they are honestly not very thoughtful. I hate to say it but it was NOT thoughtful of them to show up to the dance class at my job and try to get ANOTHER free drink for the dance class, when they already got one basically two days before. That is the type of crazy stuff that doing too many drugs for them made them do.

I kept tossing and turning visciously and contorting my face each time one of them laughed, which was like every 2 minutes. It sounded like they were inside my brain. I needed to calm down, and I had like the amount of IPAs where I could tell that wasn't going to work for me tonight. Really what I had was enough IPAs to start thinking that this whole LaQuan thing, it could be really dangerous for me. Estella was going to get better and she was going to come after me, knowing that I was friends with all those crazy drug addicted psycho half and half homeless guys. Not like the 7-11 guy who is probably super nice and found a safe space where he can do all his business right in public, which is because really of bad public transit and city planning problems that he's like that, but like the bad kind that just take guys boots.

On and on I just cycled through these thoughts. I almost fell asleep maybe 1 time all night. Every time I ALMOST fell asleep, some one else was shrieking and laughing in the living room, or they put on some other action movie at full volume with the explosions and the gun shots. I was so mad. I just laid on top of the comforter with that yellow lamp on and the hot moist air from the summer outside was making me feel sticky. This was a bad night, and I never say that.

It was 3:33 AM, a time I hate the most because everyone says that it's supposed to be lucky, and the superstition of it makes me so mad. Like if everyone just had the guts to be like anti superstition, then we would have figured out being war free 100 years ago. I had like thousands of other deep thoughts about religion then, and I probably should have written them down, but I have not done that the last few months because I have been so busy doing real / active activism stuff. It has honestly been crazy to not be able to use the net for anything on my phone all week, because in times like this, I get soooo bored that I just want to scream. And I'm not talking about with laughter.

Then it was 4:00 AM, and 4:30 AM, and all of the times in between. I went through the minutes with the clock that night, reciting them like a partner playing mini golf and making sure the other person wasn't lying. Spoiler alert: the clock did NOT skip any of the times. 

By 5:30 AM, I was kind of wishing someone would just come in and annoy me in person.... because like I said.... so boring.... 

At like 6 AM, they finally shut up, and I didn't get 1 wink of sleep. I couldn't even google anything on my phone because the screen was so destroyed. I wanted to google so many things, like to see if maybe there's some part of what happened over this long week that I could actually get caught and go to jail for, but I couldn't even do that. I didn't even have any friends who were lawyers to ask. When I was thinking about all of this, I finally passed out for like an hour, and woke up full of adrenaline, knowing that I had to leave and go pick up my new friends.

I opened the door super softly, tip toeing past Tiny's room, where I actually heard her talking with someone and laughing quietly. Um, kind of weird, considering who knows how many break ups she might have gone through last night, let alone a near break up with me. I don't know - it just seems like there are so many things going on for her that I am shocked to hear her awake and laughing at 7:30 AM on a Saturday.

I went out to the kitchen to start getting together the gear I had to pack for the trip. I had really nice hiking boots that I got from a thrift store for like 6 dollars but are actually like 500 dollar boots, those were going to save my ass on this rock climbing trip. I put these on so I didn't cut my feet in any of the mess of glass that Dave destroyed last night. Her kitchen looked like glitter hell. It looked like whenever any Shortcake/Jilly/Bingo/Pine finished beers, they just threw them into the kitchen last night. Hm, I couldn't really see Pine doing that though.... which checks out, because when I looked in the other room, she was no where to be seen.

Then I got a little pile of some of the other nice hiking clothes I bought from the thrift store and put them into a back pack. I grabbed 3 water bottles and a giant bag of vegan beef jerky. Last, I grabbed a few hundred dollars from the "chosen fam cookie cash fund" that everyone donates a little bit to so we can all have a good time. I had been putting stuff in the last few days, so I don't think I reeeeally took more than my piece (at least I don't think I did?). Even if I did, I deserve it at this point.

Looking like a true mountain woman with all my swag on, I went back to try to say good bye to Tiny. I was knocking and knocking on her door for 5 minutes or more. It was so pathetic. No one should EVER treat someone like she was treating me right now. I could still hear her, laughing and clicking a mouse and typing and talking, like nothing was happening in her own house around her. I just gave up and said, dangerously loud, "Okay Tiny, I'll see you in a week, I love you, thanks for introducing me to your awesome friends." There was no response.

I HAD to go.

I took my walk of shame out of that giant mansion, that beautiful fortress of correct thinking and social justice, this bastian that we had upheld as a chosen family for MONTHS up to now. I got this terrible nightmare feeling like I might not be coming back, but I just brushed it off as delusions, and I walked out to my car passed Tiny's screaming dog. I have never seen that pit bull in the house. Every time it barked I winced and got a huge adrenaline rush. I wish I got some sleep.

In the morning light I noticed that my car was way more fucked up than I thought it was, from crashing into that urn last night. Like I was completely missing a headlight. and my bumper was basically OFF. My brush guard (which the stupid mechanic said I should not put on such a small car) was super bend and looked like it had pulled some part of the frame out from underneath my car. What was that urn made out of, wolverine's bones from the avengers movie? Or something stronger? Because I can list to you all the mods I put on my car: and it should not have bent to this.

Well I went to get in it, and it took like 5 sputters to even start. Again: this car is in PERFECT shape and I always get every most expensive thing I can possibly afford. And a stupid POT of a PLANT is destroying MY car?

I drove super cautiously and slowly and my car was sounding terrible. I knew where Ashley and Phillip lived basically but was supposed to be picking up Dharmit on the way. I was looking at my car clock and realizing I was getting later and later. I just went straight to Ashley and Phillips and parked in their driveway behind this giant super nice SUV that was somehow even nicer than Tiny's. I suddenly felt really embarrassed that I said I could drive us.

When I pulled into the driveway my car shuddered to a halt. It wouldn't even turn on anymore...

Considering how my perfect day went a few days earlier, it's no wonder that my perfect week was starting like this. I saw Ashley and Phillip's head poke up in the window, and they looked at my car like it was a demon that they were afraid of. Wow.